I know this idea may seem odd—foolish even (I’m so sorry), but follow me on a quick journey as to why I’ve reached this conclusion.
A couple years ago, my wife and I sat down and watched a romance anime called My Happy Marriage on Netflix. I was NOT excited to watch this. I thought that it was just going to be another soapy, boring, cliche romantic show. Over the years, I’ve seen so many bad examples of romance that I literally avoid that genre almost altogether. But, my wife, using her charm, convinced me to watch it with her and honestly… I loved it!
I know, I know, but I really did. Now don’t get me wrong, it had some elements that were so gushy that it was almost cringe, but it was still really good. I took some time to reflect: did I always like romance or is this something new? That’s when I had an epiphany not just about myself but the male audience as a whole: it’s not that men don’t like romance, it’s that men like true romance. Now I know this sounds silly but what I mean is that this show was genuine and it portrayed love in a real, and even biblical way. That has an effect on the audience including men.
Most of the time when we think of content geared towards men, we think of ideas like stoicism, heroism, action, adventure, violence, thriller, etc. Even in the movie/TV show world, the overwhelmingly dominant audience for romance is not men, but women. In fact, the only time that romance is even considered in creative content targeted towards men is something that is shallow like fanservice, or worse, sexually explicit. The lie of mass media is that this is what men want as their form of romance, but that is the furthest from the truth. This continues to be exposed as a lie because even in the video game market, which is male dominant, is linked with real romantic roots. I’m not talking about the over the top, lustful games that are filled with fanservice but games that have genuine romance or romantic ties. For example, God of War started because Kratos wanted revenge on the gods for the death of his wife and child. Bethesda is known for having complex romantic relationships in their games like Fallout and Elder Scrolls. Some of the most impactful stories in all types of media, that have not only affected men but everyone around the world, have deep romantic ties and connections.
For instance, Gladiator, which is a very stoic, violent, and powerful film, is a widely accepted movie and it’s just beautiful all around. However, the core theme of what causes Maximus to become a gladiator in the first place is when his wife and son are murdered by Commodus. Maximus’ moral character was further solidified with the appearance of Lucilla, an old lover of Maximus before the two of them got married to different people. Now in most films, this would result in the protagonist falling for the old love before he got married, but that’s not at all what happened. Maximus acknowledged that they used to have an old fling before he got married, but that he’s remaining loyal to his deceased wife to avenge her death, and so, the two remain platonic for the entirety of the film but join as allies. That’s huge, because what it showed was that Maximus’ deep love for his wife was worth protecting and guarding even after her death. That is beautifully romantic and men need to know that. It taught everyone, including men, that love is worth fighting for, protecting and dying for because love gives strong men a reason to be gentle (hence the term ‘gentleman’), and it gives them a reason to be violent when necessary.
This is why I strongly believe that the sequel, Gladiator 2, fell so far flat from the original. It was more gory and violent than the first and it had larger action scenes, but it missed the point of what it means to be a strong man. (SPOILER WARNING) The main character Lucius is discovered to be Maximus and Lucilla’s son, which even Russell Crowe reportedly fought against in the first film. Crowe has said a sex scene with Lucilla would undermine the character’s love and devotion to his deceased wife, and as a result, the character Maximus never had any affairs. However, now in Gladiator 2, it’s shown that he did have an affair and that Lucius was the result. What made Maximus such a powerful character was the fact that he was doing all of these things for the woman he loved and the child he lost. The heart of his motivations was romantic, but in Gladiator 2, they deconstructed Maximus’ character, which is why Russell Crowe reportedly didn’t want to return, nor did the audience. Gladiator 2 was not well received, and though on the surface it appeared that both movies made about the same amount of money ($450–$475 million), that doesn’t account for inflation. Counting inflation, the first Gladiator movie made anywhere from $850 million to $870 million—nearly double what Gladiator 2 made! On paper, the movie has a nearly identical plot point. A beloved Roman soldier loses his wife to a betrayal from another Roman leader which leads to corrupt politics and arena battles. They got the skeleton, muscles, and brains… but they completely missed the heart by deconstructing Maximus and destroying the romance he had with his wife.
The reason why I’m talking about this is because most of modern media, whether it’s Western live action or Eastern anime, have this horrendous misconception that true love is equivalent to lust and likes. Note: this problem is for both men and women. What I mean by lust is pretty obvious: the creators just add a good looking person for the protagonist to fondle over. Either she’s a girl that he wants to get in bed with which he eventually does or she’s just a pointless character added to the plot for the male gaze. A prime example of that is the older James Bond movies where there was always this forgettable, nameless model that was there just for James to sleep with them. This is why I honestly liked the newer James Bonds with Daniel Craig (well most of them lol), because, yes he still had a love interest in some of them, but there was real depth and chemistry. The same goes for women-targeted romance films or romcoms. The man is a lust figure that is there for nothing more than big muscles, ridiculous macho-ness, or unrealistic over the top ‘acts of romance’ like when Ryan Gosling was hanging on a ferris wheel by his arm just to talk to Rachel McAdams’s character… who was on a date with another man (I’m looking at you ‘The Notebook’). The other pitfall is that two people either like the same thing or have similarities in common and then the writers simply put the two together, calling that romance. This happens a lot in Hollywood movies where two characters have no romantic chemistry but they’re tacked together as a couple because of interests.
I want to be clear here about 3 things. (1) I’m not saying that it’s wrong to have a handsome man or a beautiful woman as the love interest for stories. (2) I am not saying that the couple cannot like the same things or even be alike. (3) I’m also not saying that these are bad movies or films that do this. There’s a reason why The Notebook and James Bond series are beloved movies. The point is that lust or likeness have nothing to do with love.
Honestly, I think the most frustrating one is the first pitfall of mistaking lust for love. The reason why it’s frustrating is because it minimizes true love to nothing more than getting in bed and it’s teaching both men and women unhealthy ways of love. It teaches women that a man is only as good as his physical strength, his money or his power. It teaches men that a woman is only as good as she looks and that if she doesn’t always look like an actress or a model, she’s lost her value. Both of those things are gross misconceptions of true romantic love.
One film series that I really enjoyed but really missed the ball on was the original Spider-Man series with Tobey Maguire. Don’t get me wrong, I love these movies and honestly, I think it’s still the best Spider-Man trilogy in Marvel; however, where I think they really missed the ball was with Peter Parker’s love interests. For all 3 movies, the obvious love interest was Mary Jane, but in each movie, she kept burning him for another guy time and time again, really solidifying herself as a toxic love interest for Peter. It was in the 2nd into the third movie where Ursula came on the scene. She was kind, gentle, and truly loved Peter Parker, the poor New York reporter behind the mask of Spider-Man. However, in the end of the trilogy, Peter ended up with Mary Jane, the untrustworthy hot girl, and not Ursula, the woman who loved him for who he truly was but looked ordinary but still pretty. Honestly, the only logical reason why he did was because Mary Jane was more attractive. Not that Ursula was ugly, but she looked like a standard normal girl and not the model that everyone was after. I saw a comment on this, to summarize, that said, “When I was a boy, I wanted Mary Jane but the older I get, the more I realize that I don’t deserve a good woman like Ursula.” This series fell for the trap of misunderstanding love for lust.
This begs the question: why do men still need good romance in stories and why should women want this too? There’s 3 reasons why. (1) True romance looks beyond the ‘looks’. I know this is usually targeted towards women in that for ladies, a man should love her beyond her looks. However, I actually want to encourage people that this is just as important for men. As men, society values a man being worth loving based on the appearance of strength rather than the reality of strength. For example, a man is only as strong as he looks concerning his muscles, his money, or his power. Since most women look for these types of men, good men believe that their value in true romance is only in what they do and not who they are. For instance, consider stereotypical romances. Oftentimes, it’s the Cinderella-like story where a rich, powerful, and handsome guy ends up loving a woman ‘for who she is’ and not for her looks, which is great! Now ask this question: how often do you see the opposite? Not that often.
A great example that attacks all of these is from a hilarious anime romcom called Romantic Killer. My wife and I thoroughly enjoyed this anime but what was surprising was the amount of depth that it had. Namely, there is one girl thrown into a real life dating sim by a magic wizard where she is in a love situation with 3 different guys. What’s surprising about this show is that there is no fanservice or explicit scenes at all. What’s more surprising is how each of the 3 guys represent a stereotype of men. One guy is the hot guy that every girl wants, the second guy is the star athlete and physically imposing, and the third guy is very wealthy and handsome. In a sense, they literally represent sex, money, and power. What makes the show interesting is that, while all of the other girls only love the three guys because of what they do, the main protagonist develops a friendship with all 3 of them because she appreciates who they are behind what they can do. As a result, though the show ends on a cliffhanger, the three men experience a true form of romance that goes beyond the looks but pierces into their hearts. True romance goes beyond the outward appearances and values both men and women for who they are. This is why I said earlier that the original Spider-Man series, though overall phenomenal, really fell short in providing true romance because Peter didn’t end up with Ursula, the woman who looked beyond the ‘looks’.
(2) True romance builds stronger men. Think about what happens when someone truly loves Jesus. Your heart, mind, and spirit change, your habits and attitude change over time. A believer who is truly following Christ will soon find out that they are not the same person they were when they first started following Jesus. The same is true for love. True romance does not make a man weak, it makes men strong. It makes men better. The reason this happens is, for both men and women, true romance makes you want to be better for the one you loved. You want to be a better person to love them better and you want to be stronger to nurture that love. An example is from the Incredibles. In that film, Mr. Incredible said something powerful. He admitted to his wife that the reason why he was exercising and going on secret missions was because he felt like he wasn’t strong enough to protect the family that he loved. It was through this journey that their family grew stronger.
(3) True romance becomes sweeter not bitter with time and investment. This is one of, if not the biggest misconception in mass media: the peak of romance happens at the altar or the bedroom. Notice that the media portrays that the sweetest and best part of a relationship happens once the couple gets married/officially dating, or once the two love interests finally get in bed. After that, the movie ends or worse, we see in many shows that the relationship starts to decline rather than escalate. The problem is that fake romance asks the question, “What can this person do to love me?” True romance asks, “What can I do for this person to love them?”
Think of it like an apple. Fake romance asks, “How can I eat this apple?” Once the apple is eaten, the ‘love’ is gone and boring. Now the objective is to ‘reignite the spark’ of romance, i.e., go find another apple to eat. This is why a lot of cliche romance movies/shows have to have love triangles, cheating, or heavily raunchy things in order to keep the so-called ‘spark’ in the relationship. True romance, on the other hand, not only eats the apple, but it plants the seeds inside of the apple. Over time, after an investment of blood, sweat, and tears, that apple turns into a tree. You replant those apples from the tree and you get an entire orchard. This is why, though Song of Solomon (other translations call it Song of Songs) uses farming language as innuendos, it also expresses the multiplicative satisfaction of true romance within a marriage. It blossoms from eating fruits to climbing a tree to having an entire orchard of love to enjoy. True romance starts at the altar and it becomes sweeter over time.
I think a great example of this is from the movie Up. Up is a beautiful film and it’s known for having one of the greatest movie intros of all time. With hardly any words being spoken, we see a boy named Carl meet a young girl named Ellie. The two of them are both adventurous as kids and as adults they fall in love and get married. Eventually they buy a house as a fixer upper. Over time, we see them experience many highs in their life but also many lows, and eventually the death of Ellie when they’ve gotten old. It’s here that the story of the movie starts. Now why did I choose this movie as an example to express the sweetness of marriage? It’s because Carl’s whole mission is to have one last adventure by placing his marital home on Paradise Falls as the last act of love for his wife. (1) He still invested in a marriage that he knew couldn’t give him back anything in return. (2) It made the journey so much more impactful because in those opening scenes we saw how much joy, love, and happiness that Ellie gave to Carl. When we saw the sweetness in his marriage, it made her death more memorable and the journey more meaningful.
Honestly, we see all three of these things in the first example I used in this article: My Happy Marriage. In this show, we see how the two protagonists see past the ‘looks.’ The female protagonist, Miyo, looks past the handsome, rich, and powerful Kiyoka, the male protagonist. Whereas other women came in to try to abuse his status and wealth, she came to serve and love the man behind the rank. Meanwhile, Miyo came to Kiyoka in tattered clothes and being the end result of physical abuse and he looked past that and saw a wife to lead by his side. As a result, both characters grew tremendously over the series in various ways that wouldn’t have happened if they didn’t meet. Finally, we see the sweetness and spark of the marriage bloom over time. There’s no love triangle, cheating, or sexual activity at all in the show and yet, their love is deep, genuine, memorable, and beautiful.
We need more stories like that, and one of the series where I try to do this is Seraph’s Sword. Though the Stratos Saga does have a true romance story, in Seraph’s Sword you get to follow a love story throughout the course of the series. The two main protagonists start off with an unlikely friendship which blossoms into love, then marriage, and even follows life after marriage. Through ups and downs, instead of marriage being the peak, it grows sweeter over time, and I hope it will leave an impact on readers and viewers.
This is why men need good romance in stories, because stories leave impressions on people and, since the beginning of time, the most powerful impression is always love. There’s a reason why the Bible, after 2000 years, is still the most sold book of all time. The true story that it tells is one of love. God became flesh and died on the cross for our sins, taking the complete punishment of His Bride, so that we can be saved and be with Jesus forever. That love story has been changing the world for thousands of years and it still does even today. When I say that men need romance, I don’t mean lust, good looks, or a great body. I mean true love that changes men just like how Jesus changes people. We need more stories like that, and my hope is that, as a creative, I will be able to provide those types of stories. Regardless, my hope is that we will have more true romance in stories that represent love, not lust.
Godspeed!
A Weak Fool